woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
