I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
