My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
