He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
