i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
