in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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