I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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