so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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