Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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