areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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