When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
