I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
