So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
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