I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
