Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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