While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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