What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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