What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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