I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
