I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
