if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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