I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
