Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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