I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
