Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
