You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
