the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
