i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
