There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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