i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
