literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
