so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
