I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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