he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
