My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
