Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
