I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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