Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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