I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
