Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
