also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
