Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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