Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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