I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
A+ Viking dick
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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