He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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