i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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