the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
