She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
