Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
