Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
